Our child became selectively mute at school

At primary school our eldest child had always been very quiet and struggled socially, but we were told that they were growing in confidence. But on starting secondary, they quickly became lost under the noise. 

At parent’s evenings every teacher told us how quiet and well-behaved our child was, yet we knew they were deeply unhappy and completely under the radar of the staff. By year eight, they were alone at school, with no friends. Our child became scared to even talk, and the only word said all day was ’yes’ to answer the register.  Lockdown was a reprieve, and on returning to school, the difficulties came back, yet no one had even noticed. I raised my concerns several times, and while some action was taken, it was very poorly handled. Our child couldn’t sleep, was withdrawn, shaking and crying about going to school. Eventually, they became selectively mute. 

Their grades were poor and mental health in tatters, and so we took the decision to remove our child and took the huge financial hit of sending them to an independent school. It was life changing. Slowly but surely our child began to recover from their traumatic experiences and the new school helped us fill in a referral for an autism assessment. Our child’s timetable was reduced, they were supported in every way possible and their grades went from a 3 for English to a 7. They achieved two 9s, and 6 and above for everything else.

As part of the autism assessment process, we had to ask our child whether they had ever self-harmed or had suicidal thoughts, and it was very hard to hear that the answer for both was yes, but only at their old school. Their struggles were unrecognised and ignored, and the awful experiences they had there will hopefully fade as time goes by, but will never be forgotten. 

Our second child didn’t have the same social difficulties as our first, and we heard that there had been changes at the school. So we enrolled them, as we knew we couldn’t financially support two children at an independent school. However, the school had become so regimented that our child was frightened at times, yet behaviour still seemed to be poor. Also there were a huge number of cover lessons, which was really frustrating. 

The toll on our younger child’s mental health became clear, so we removed them and – thanks to financial help from both sets of grandparents, and our children being awarded scholarships – they also attend an independent school. The improvement was immediate. A happy child, keen to learn and thriving.

I feel so sorry for those families who cannot afford to send their children to an alternative education setting. I don’t even want to think about the possible outcomes for ours if we’d kept them where they were.